On a Life that Could Have Been

Lately, I have struggled so hard with some things in my married life. Mostly with my health and my journey to motherhood. I have written about this on my Facebook page and Instagram, this is just a longer version of my posts. LOL
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Okay, so some of you may not know about this but before Tim, I have been off a committed relationship for exactly four years. My last boyfriend wanted to have kids back then but I was too young, and the thought scared me. I guess one of the reasons we broke up was that I couldn’t get myself to commit to him that seriously. After that, I have lived such a different life from what I have now and I have always told people that I don’t want kids for some reason.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, okay? I love kids! I enjoy teaching them (I am a teacher by profession by the way), I love playing with them, pinching them on the cheeks, or lightly biting their cheeks, arms, and legs with my lips hahaha! I’m a sucker for kids but I never wanted to have them. I wasn’t in any place to want to have them. I loved the idea that I could play with them and just give them back to their parents the moment they start crying or when I’m tired of playing with them. Haha! Okay, that may have sounded a little selfish, right? But that was me before.

Tim changed that gradually. Not because he wanted kids and wanted me to want the same thing, but by respecting my views and decisions I eventually came around the idea of having children of my own and I embraced that. However, a few months after Tim and I got married I learned that motherhood is a journey that isn’t going to be easy for me. I have been diagnosed with a couple of things I will not elaborate on them more. I do have PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and Endometriosis which makes my red days extra painful than most people. Basically, those conditions make it a little more difficult for us to have a baby. Well, for me at least.

Honestly, those diagnoses brought along a series of medications and an emotional toll on me. I became frustrated and angry at myself and there are times that everything would just become too overwhelming that I would lash out on Tim in the most terrible ways. However, he was nothing but understanding and supportive all throughout.

It became even more frustrating to me when my dad died last December. I have always pictured my dad and my mom playing with Tim and I’s baby in the distant future, even after my diagnoses, I tried so hard to keep my hopes up. After all, my dad walked me down the altar during my wedding, a huge part of me believed that he would be with us till like my unborn children are in college or something like that. So when he passed suddenly last year, I was crushed.

I was crushed but I couldn’t show it. I was crying in the bathroom the morning after he died, away from my husband’s sight. And that afternoon, when the mortician asked me to check on dad before they take him to the chapel where his wake will be held, I cried. Away from everybody because I don’t want them to see me so crushed and hurt because I have always been the strongest person in the family. Apart from that, dad isn’t my biological father. He’s my step-dad, so the anxiety kicks in and the paranoia that people might think I’m being overly dramatic or just simply trying to seek attention in public when I cry overwhelms me. I didn’t even want to give a eulogy because I didn’t want to take that out of my sisters’ spotlight. But when I finally did (cause people forced me to) I couldn’t keep it together for more than a minute so I had to cut my eulogy shorter than I planned.

Even more so when Tim and I thought that our dreams are finally coming true… the excitement and the talk of fun and exhilarating possibilities kept us on cloud nine. You know, we kinda fantasized and joked about our baby, until the sad, cold reality pulls us down to the ground and it hurts—so bad, I can never find the words to express exactly how painful it is to find out that what you wanted just slipped right through your fingers.

These things have been trying to eat me off for weeks now, and recent events about Tim and I’s journey to parenthood just added to it. I have been meaning to write about all those here weeks ago since this blog’s purpose for me is to not only share my good experiences after all. Contrary to what most of you probably think, I own this blog and I write because it helps me with my anxiety and depression and not just to gain social media followers. Trust me, I don’t usually collab with other bloggers for a giveaway nor have I been active on my old blog‘s social media pages.

I guess I was just not ready to face all these things back then that I couldn’t even write about it. I have drafted several posts but I couldn’t get myself to finish a couple of sentences. It was indeed a hard time for me, even for Tim.

But we know that this is not the end of our journey, it’s just starting and although it will be more frustrating and painful (I expect it), we’ll make sure and do our best to get through every challenge that has yet come our way. All through the glory of the Lord. 💕☀️

🌸Jeremiah 29:11🌸 — ito ung verse na patuloy kong naalala lately. Kayo, anong biggest challenge ninyo lately?

12 thoughts on “On a Life that Could Have Been

  1. So sweet naman po ng hubby nyo ms.mia nirerespeto nya ung decision mu if kailan mu gustong magka anak .. Your so lucky to have him .. Sa ngayon po mag enjoy muna kau sa mga travel travel . Kami nga po ni hubby di man lang nakapag travel ngayon may baby na kami di na rin namin magawa kasi mahirap mag travel lalo na pag may kasamang bata . Anyway ms.mia dati nung dalaga pa ko i suffer also pain grabe halos mamaluktot ako sa sobrang sakit ng puson minsan nga may time na nang hihina ako at nag susuka pa . Sabi nila mawawal daw pag nag ka baby ako . Exactly nawala nga po sya nung nagka baby ako pag nagkakaron ako fi na ung puson ko ung masakit ung ulo ko naman sumasakit sobra sabi Nila normal kang daw un ..

  2. Your such a strong woman po., sands lahat po mga napag daanan nyo still you know how to manage your self and emotion na hindi napapansin ng iba na may mabigat po kayong problem from the past. . Let’s pray lang po and everything will be ok po

  3. A wide grin upon reading this – ibabalik sa nanay ang kids pag iiyak na . That was me before being surrounded ng mga baby cousin☺️ As time passed by, the whole world changes and eventually our views / perspectives too. Perhaps you were not ready that time and the relationship wasn’t meant for you because God prepared someone to be with and walk with you through thick and thin. You are blessed Ms Mia having Mr Tim as your husband❤️ After reading how your Papa’s passing, i remember mine. As ive said previously, it was painful. Yung may mga worries ka at iniinda then another worst scenario came. That feeling crushed me too. And there’s nothing wrong in crying, we can all shed tears and i was screaming at the top of my lungs way back. He is still your father and losing someone you considera good one is heartbreaking. Thank you for sharing your journal Ms Mia, i honestly love reading blogs. Sometimes reading makes me feel relax too and i can feel a connection too. And yes, writing a journal like this can do good to someone who has depression and anxiety.❤️ You can vent out your emotions through your blog and we’re here to listen. I hope you always feel better Ms Mia. There are some who are struggling too having a baby but they don’t give up and they received the blessing they have been waiting for. You are the strongest in your family and you can do it, i pray too that things will be better real soon. Godbless you Ms Mia.

  4. My Biggest challenge in life nang mabuntis ako na wala sa oras super stressed ako that time I don’t know what to do pero yung asawa ko super happy niya siya yung ngeencourage sa akin.We pray na sana mating ok lang lahat and thank god dahil lahat naging maayos naman and now were happy.Good Job miss mia abg strong niyo po

  5. Sana all sana all maging katulad mo po ms.pia na strong woman . Yung kahit sobrang hirap ay pilit mo padin lumalaban.medyo naiyak ako sa kwento mo ms.mia kase kahit ako may baby at asawa na may mga problem din ako na ako lang nakakaalam kase ayoko na magalala sila .

    I have a friend na may PCOS , gusto nya talaga mag ka baby kaso di talaga nabibigyan . Kaya hoping and praying parin sya na magka roon ng baby .

  6. Ako naman,ayoko mag asawa o magpakasal. Maybe because my parents both have first family before they met. I’m good with just bf-gf thingy, but then my kids came. So my world turned upside down, I don’t really care anymore about it if the bf isn’t really fit for a husband,as long as I’m with my kids.I’m complete.

  7. I really admire u ms.Mia Pag dating sa Pagiging Strongest woman. Kc aq Minsan nagiging Weak aq pagdating sa mga Bagay. Na may kinalaman sa family ,But when i have my own family Now, Hindi Pala Madali but sbi ko saSarili ko kelangan maging Matapang aq magtapang-tapangan Oo . Kc pag dating Talaga sa Mga anak ko strong na aq .Marami din aqng pinag daanan sa relationship Namin ni LIp . Un ung Motivation ko pRa maging matatag. Be strong always ms.Mia I know Marami pa taung pag dadaanan As Woman also As A Mother too

  8. ako po massbe ko lng tlga ggwin ko lhat for my family kc sken nga po e dpo nila ako sinusukuan nung mga panahon po kcng lugmok ako sila lng tlga dumamay sken d nila ako pinabayaan sila na nga po ata kahinaan ko dko sila kayang mwala sken sobrng mahal na mahal ko sila nag ppkatatag lng po ako lagi pra sa family nmin na maging ok lng ayoko na ng away away haist

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