Okay, so how do I start? Quite difficult when there is nothing much to tell.
I met Tim in college. Period.
We were never too close, and of the almost four semesters that we were classmates, I swear I never exchanged more than 20 words with him. He’s part of the Engineering Department and I am from the Education Department. When he shifted to Education and changed his major, I never got the news nor did I care back then. All I know was that he was there in my 18th birthday and even gave a message and that he’s really good in Algebra and I copied from him during our finals in the said subject.
I failed though. Apparently, he made a minor mistake in the first part of the solution.
But to Tim, I was his college crush. The name he often mentions when he’s drunk. At least, that was what he said and what some of his close college friends keep on saying but I’m still a bit skeptical. A boy his age could be easily swayed and swayed he was. He went to work abroad for three years and went out with my college girl crush for two years.
Fast forward to this year (for time travelers, it’s 2018) we reconnected and hit it off and began dating exclusively. Well, actually he has been messaging me in the past year but I always forget to reply to him for some odd reason.
My decision to date Tim caused a stir amongst our college classmates mainly because they’re close friends with his ex-girlfriend, my ULTIMATE college girl crush. I’ve received tons of “concerned” messages overflowing with condescension (surprisingly *insert my signature eye roll*) and sarcasm. I know some of them mean well, but for others, I really feel like they’re upset that I’m dating their friend’s ex-boyfriend which I find a little out of the line as my college girl crush and I never really bonded well to consider ourselves BFFs or even just “close”. We were classmates, I liked her, I joked around with her, we’ve been groupmates, but we shared nothing significant compared to a few of her close friends who expressed their “concern” about me.
Did it bother me?
It did, honestly. Though I know it should not, sometimes I could not help but think about the things those people said. I’m truly disappointed that they could not accept or at least support my decision as once close friends.
But alas, not everyone can be happy when you’re happy. I’m slowly letting go, especially knowing that my family and close friends wholeheartedly support and accepts my decision to be with Tim reassures me that the people who really matter and who really care will always, ALWAYS be there for me.
Lifts my disappointment in an instant.
Meeting Tim for the second time proved that there really is the right time for everything and for everyone to get what they deserve. Before Tim, I have lived a full crazy, whirlwind of a life for four years… I have loved and expected from people who did not see my value or have seen but afraid of my independence and could not handle my strength as a person.
For four years, I thought that to love was to wait for someone who left, that love was meant to be overbearingly painful, I thought that it was okay to love and not to be loved back in return until it gets too painful you just explode and go numb.
For the years I’ve lived alone, I’ve given up all hopes and dreams of finding someone who would reciprocate my love, time and efforts. I’ve given up my dream of finding that person, of having a wedding, of having kids, of growing old with someone…
I have created a new dream for myself where I live in solace in a small cottage with floor to ceiling shelves filled with the books I could afford for not saving up for someone’s college education. A lush vegetable garden where chickens, cats, and a huge dog would run around and play, and a reading nook where I’d sit and read as I drink coffee while The Carpenter’s play in my old record player. It was like an old hazy movie in my head but it was comfortable, ideal for me, and to be even more honest, I’m content with that.
But when I met Tim again, when I realized that I liked him from our very first date, when I told him I love him days later slightly regretting thinking it was too early, when we spent nights in bed in our first weekend get-away together, and when we started living together… slowly, that old hazy movie started to gain color and a new character.