Your Partner Doesn’t Have to Be Your Mentor

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If you live a colorful life like me, you’d need a mentor to keep you sane and to comfort you and it doesn’t have to be your partner all the time.

Don’t get me wrong, Tim and I can delve into any conversation and find a solution at the end of it. However, there are certain issues that I don’t feel like discussing intensively with him. For example, my career decisions, although he played a huge part in my shifting doesn’t mean that I’ve told him every little thing that went through my head when I made the decision.

I was having such a hard time over the past week, dealing with family issues, my new career path, and preparation for the wedding.  On top of that, I was deeply worried about my former workmates and the last workload I left. It was overwhelming.

Then, my former boss sent me a text message earlier this afternoon. We didn’t have the chance to talk about my reason for leaving the company when we saw each other last week but I know she knew that I was leaving.

For some reason, we’ve always had an unspoken understanding, so even if I didn’t tell her anything, she knew something was up. When I received her message this afternoon, I broke down and told her everything, feeling whatever glue that’s been keeping me together over the past weeks melting away as I typed my replies.

Telling her all the underlying reasons made me feel lighter. Talking to her made me feel like my thoughts and decisions aren’t irrational and her assurance makes me even more comfortable to confide in her in detail as compared to when I discuss things with Tim.

Having a mentor like my former boss has helped me a great deal in staying with my previous company and in keeping me sane despite the whirlwind of changes we faced over the last two years. I’ve learned so much from her, not just skills needed for work, but a great deal more when it comes to dealing and interacting with people and life in general. So when she left her post to transfer to another department, I felt a little lost. I was able to pick up myself but it wasn’t the same.

I’m not saying that her transferring to another department was my reason or excuse to leave my post, no. I’m just saying that having a mentor like mine could help a person a great deal when it comes to career and personal growth and after she left, I felt like I’ve reached my ceiling. I know I still have a lot of things to improve on, but it wasn’t what I wanted anymore.

Tim knows and understands my career dilemma but not as much and as in-depth as my mentor does. She saw how hard I worked over the years and we’ve developed a relationship in the workplace that Tim and I simply don’t have. I really believe that having an outsider’s perspective on situations like mine can be a really good pillar of support, career-wise.

I believe that partners tend to spoil each other, or follow the other’s lead, or even have the capacity to persuade the other to stop doing something for reasons that may seem irrational or impractical to people outside of the relationship bubble and if you’re like me, you might also be trying to appear stronger than you really are in front of your partner.

I’m an emotional person, but I do my best to compartmentalize my emotions when it comes to my career and other life decisions, I always try to make the most rational choice which isn’t always easy, so not having Tim as my mentor greatly helps.

That is why it is okay, and better in my opinion, to have a mentor outside of the relationship. It’s not about letting other people dictate your life, but it’s for you to have a different support system and a wider perspective of the world outside of the romantic relationship that one has with a partner.

I Quit My Job and Here’s Why

I recently left my job at a big online school after working there for three years or so. To be honest, it wasn’t the easiest decision to make given the fact that my friends from work were like my family. We spent all the holidays together over the last few years, and I must be even more honest, the company greatly contributed to my personal growth.

However, my decision to leave has been creeping on me for months now. Suddenly, I’m no longer happy, suddenly waking up in the morning to go to work becomes a chore. The salary just pays my bills and I had to get a part-time job for over six months last year just to cope with my expenses. I must admit that I do live a do or die lifestyle in the past, but my paycheck doesn’t lie. It just simply goes to my bills. It hasn’t moved much since I began working there and to be honest it was demotivating. Apart from the frowned upon paycheck, one of the reasons why I decided to leave was the environment. The politics became too much for me to handle and the ever-changing processes and systems became information overload.

I found myself staying in bed longer than I should and my anxiety and depression came back I had to start seeing my therapist for a few weeks again. And it doesn’t come cheap. I had to stop if I wanted to eat well again.

I could list down a few more, but the bottom line was my job was taking its toll on my mental and physical health, add to that several health issues that we have in my family. I stopped going out for months, I just really wanted to get away from work and the people I work with and just be with myself or with my family for a change. Don’t get me wrong, I love those people I worked with but sometimes one has to be with oneself or one’s family to unwind.

I’ve been meaning to quit for months now, but I guess I never had much courage knowing that I’ve no one to depend on but myself and also because I was too concerned of what my work family would think and say about it. Although my mother offered to support me multiple times, I could not get myself to grab the opportunity because let’s face it, I have such high pride and sense of entitlement and independence from her. But when Tim said he’d support my decision to quit my job, I took it weeks later.

He saw how depressed and physically, and mentally exhausted I was and he risked being the breadwinner for a few weeks to give way to my choices. I am currently working from home as a freelance writer following my passion while giving time to my own family. Something I have always dreamt of doing but never had the courage to do until now.

I’m grateful to Tim for supporting my decision, understanding my dilemma and for believing that I can do something else other than my office job. I’m not saying that he’s the sole reason why I did this, he just gave me the extra push to do it seeing how miserable of a life I was living. I know that I have bills to pay, a wedding coming up, and a new apartment to move into, I’m risking everything financially but I’m glad I finally took this leap.

I am very unhappy with my previous job, I also got tired of the long travel time it became very inconvenient for me and even with the bonuses we’ve been getting, the entire idea of me working there no longer sounded appealing to me.

I got so exhausted with the entire system and the whirlwinds of changes that happen all the time. As much as I wanted to stay, I wanted to start taking care of my mental health as I believe I have been putting it off for years in the pursuit of a better pay, for a better position.

If there is one thing I realized after submitting my (unapproved) immediate resignation letter was that a sound mind is always more productive than an anxiety-ridden one. I am still facing a couple of bumps with my resignation but I am at the point in my life that I am starting not to care so much about what people would say. Their opinion would not validate my person nor will it define me. If I just listen to everyone’s plea about my leaving, I would only get sentimental and nostalgic and would not find the peace I need in my life and I would not be able to chase my passion.

I am sure that people from my workplace have so much to say about my decision, about how wrong and untimely it is, about how selfish it is, but here’s the only thing I have to say to all that: I’m happier.

I’m still on the brink of bankruptcy but money can be earned, my mental and physical health, on the other hand, might suffer too much it might drive me to my grave, no exaggeration.

To anyone who’s going through the same thing, my heart and prayers go with you. Take that leap and live the life you want one step at a time.

Why I’m Getting Married

For the longest time, I’ve embraced and lived the idea that I would live and die alone. I’ve given up all hopes fo finding love again after everything that I went through. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame anybody nor do I blame myself, and I don’t mean that I gave up on finding love because of all the heartbreaks.

No.

It wasn’t just that.

It was my independence that made me warm and comfy with the idea of spending my days alone and it’s not like it’s bad or I’m just bitter or anything like that. If you’ve been living alone for half a decade or more and you love it, perhaps you’ll understand.

The freedom is just incomparable, especially when you’re going to places and doing things you’ve never done before or haven’t done in a while. Add a set of good friends to the equation and I was set for life.

Then I met Tim, again… And it’s not like I’m head over heels in love with the man (sorry, love) but I guess his sincerity and the dynamics that we’ve established from the very start made me realize that I can always work with this person.

Not like in the workplace or at school, ’cause believe me, I DO NOT want to work with him in that sense EVER.

What I meant was, communicating with him comes with an ease that it may make or break us both. I’m not saying it’s always easy to say exactly what’s on each other’s mind, we’re still learning to filter out our words but it’s the acceptance of never-ending learning and constant acceptance of each other’s quirks that make communicating with him easier than with the people I dated before.

Also, one of the reasons why I agreed to marry him was that he was clear with his intentions from the very beginning. I have to be honest that I wasn’t. To me, it was just another man, another date, that will scare me or that will scare him. The last guy I dated (read about it on my personal blog) scared me tremendously of his timeline during our second date. He came from an eight-year-long relationship and he wanted to get married and have kids in the next two years. That scared the crap out of me, I literally panicked and told him that I don’t want to have kids, ever. That was his deal breaker. That, and the fact that he got back together with his ex while we’re still going out. (Salt. LOL)

Tim wanted the same thing. He wanted to marry me, he wants to have a home with me, and have kids. The only difference was that Tim respected my views and did not push me into anything until I was comfortable with it. And even when I warmed up with the idea of marrying him, he did not bombard me with timelines of when we should marry or when we should have our first child.

Those details only came when he proposed to me. I appreciate the fact that he went out of his way to talk to my family about his plans of marrying me before officially proposing to me because he knows it’s the right thing to do without me telling him to do it.

I’m getting married because a man with sincere intentions asked for my hand in marriage with my entire family’s blessing. I’m getting married not because I’m getting older and social norms dictates it or that my biological clock is ticking. No. I’m getting married because I know Tim is the one. I’m marrying him because he makes me feel myself and allows me to be myself regardless of what Jurassic Park character I morph into. I’m marrying him not only because I love him, but because he showed and taught me that love should always be reciprocated and that loving does not stop in the feeling but must always reflect in actions.

And no matter how many reasons I list down in this post of why I’m marrying him at this stage in our relationship a lot of people will never see nor understand the logic in it. I could only enlist so much but none can and will justify anything. I don’t feel the need to do that. This post and this blog are not intended to prove anything to anybody.

I’m marrying Tim because I know for certain that I’m ready. That we’re ready.
 

How I Met Tim

Okay, so how do I start? Quite difficult when there is nothing much to tell.
I met Tim in college. Period.

We were never too close, and of the almost four semesters that we were classmates, I swear I never exchanged more than 20 words with him. He’s part of the Engineering Department and I am from the Education Department. When he shifted to Education and changed his major, I never got the news nor did I care back then. All I know was that he was there in my 18th birthday and even gave a message and that he’s really good in Algebra and I copied from him during our finals in the said subject.
I failed though. Apparently, he made a minor mistake in the first part of the solution.

But to Tim, I was his college crush. The name he often mentions when he’s drunk. At least, that was what he said and what some of his close college friends keep on saying but I’m still a bit skeptical. A boy his age could be easily swayed and swayed he was. He went to work abroad for three years and went out with my college girl crush for two years.

Lucky bastard.

Fast forward to this year (for time travelers, it’s 2018) we reconnected and hit it off and began dating exclusively. Well, actually he has been messaging me in the past year but I always forget to reply to him for some odd reason.

My decision to date Tim caused a stir amongst our college classmates mainly because they’re close friends with his ex-girlfriend, my ULTIMATE college girl crush. I’ve received tons of “concerned” messages overflowing with condescension (surprisingly *insert my signature eye roll*) and sarcasm. I know some of them mean well, but for others, I really feel like they’re upset that I’m dating their friend’s ex-boyfriend which I find a little out of the line as my college girl crush and I never really bonded well to consider ourselves BFFs or even just “close”. We were classmates, I liked her, I joked around with her, we’ve been groupmates, but we shared nothing significant compared to a few of her close friends who expressed their “concern” about me.

Did it bother me?

It did, honestly. Though I know it should not, sometimes I could not help but think about the things those people said. I’m truly disappointed that they could not accept or at least support my decision as once close friends.
But alas, not everyone can be happy when you’re happy. I’m slowly letting go, especially knowing that my family and close friends wholeheartedly support and accepts my decision to be with Tim reassures me that the people who really matter and who really care will always, ALWAYS be there for me.

Lifts my disappointment in an instant.

Meeting Tim for the second time proved that there really is the right time for everything and for everyone to get what they deserve. Before Tim, I have lived a full crazy, whirlwind of a life for four years… I have loved and expected from people who did not see my value or have seen but afraid of my independence and could not handle my strength as a person.

For four years, I thought that to love was to wait for someone who left, that love was meant to be overbearingly painful, I thought that it was okay to love and not to be loved back in return until it gets too painful you just explode and go numb.

For the years I’ve lived alone, I’ve given up all hopes and dreams of finding someone who would reciprocate my love, time and efforts. I’ve given up my dream of finding that person, of having a wedding, of having kids, of growing old with someone…

I have created a new dream for myself where I live in solace in a small cottage with floor to ceiling shelves filled with the books I could afford for not saving up for someone’s college education. A lush vegetable garden where chickens, cats, and a huge dog would run around and play, and a reading nook where I’d sit and read as I drink coffee while The Carpenter’s play in my old record player. It was like an old hazy movie in my head but it was comfortable, ideal for me, and to be even more honest, I’m content with that.

But when I met Tim again, when I realized that I liked him from our very first date, when I told him I love him days later slightly regretting thinking it was too early, when we spent nights in bed in our first weekend get-away together, and when we started living together… slowly, that old hazy movie started to gain color and a new character.
 

Bridezilla Signing In

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Welcome to my blog! You must have come from my personal website, NowhereGirl.net or Twitter, or elsewhere… Regardless, welcome to my new blog where I plan to chronicle my journey through married life. I am currently engaged and soon to be married this coming June. (confetti)
This blog is to also share my thoughts and experiences as I go through the next chapter of my life (cliche, but true). I will be sharing stories of my engagement, how I met Tim, and the crazy stuff that we have to go through in planning a civil wedding. But for now, welcome, and I hope you’d like what you will see.
Au revoir.